Friday, April 11, 2014

Frustration and Love

      Today was one of those days.  Really just this afternoon.  I thought napping while Ari naps was a luxury for this pregnant mama, and it is, but I didn't realize it is also a bit of a necessity.  Ari decided not to nap today, as often happens on Fridays when he takes a 10 minute snooze on the way home from "school."  So, mama didn't get a nap either.  Instead, I spent the afternoon grumpy, tired, impatient, nauseous, frustrated, and brought to tears by nothing.  

      I hate when I get frustrated with my child.  I long for more patience and understanding, and sometimes I just feel like a downright crumby mother.  I know it isn't true, but sometimes it really feels that way.  Thankfully, children are quick to forgive our shortcomings.  Ari might have sensed that I was upset with him when I took a breather on the couch.  He climbed up, with a little boost from mom, and proceeded to give the sweetest hugs to my face.  How can I be mad when I feel that love? 

      It worries me that he seems to completely ignore my requests, especially when he is walking at a running pace toward the fish pond in the backyard.  It's hard to keep my cool when he is in danger and won't even turn to look at me as a call for him to "stop!"  And as my belly grows and I seem to injure myself more easily,  I wonder how I am going to manage running after him and carrying him around as the months go on.  

      I have all these thoughts that bring me to tears, but by bedtime, things feel more manageable.  I stare at him as he falls asleep in my arms.  I stroke his tiny, perfect toes and imagine the cells that formed inside my body to create them.  I think about who he is and how much I love him.  It is absolutely overwhelming.  And I realize that none of the other stuff matters.  He couldn't ever frustrate me enough that I would stop loving him.  He is the miracle of life.  His existence is my whole world.  This is a tough stage in life, and in some ways it will be nice to get past it.  But, I know I will also miss so much about this time, right now.  So tonight I will focus on those things.  The way he learns something new every day, the way he pronounces his first words, the way he says "mama" as he grabs my face into a hug, the silly faces he makes, the way he plays "peek-a-boo" by covering his ears, the way he walks, the love he has for music, the way he always makes us laugh.  There are so many more things to remember about right now, and I don't want to forget any of it.  

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